There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. — Edith Wharton
The day after the psychiatrist diagnosed my daughter with bipolar disorder, I went into her bedroom to see if she was awake yet. I sat down on her bed, and she sleepily said, “Is everything okay? You look like someone has died.”
My daughter didn’t understand the impact of her diagnosis. And evidently, neither did I.
It’s impossible for me to imagine the pure hell my daughter was going through living with undiagnosed and untreated bipolar disorder. I will leave that part of the story for her to tell. I could never tell it correctly.
However, I can help by telling my experiences as the mother of a bipolar child. Parents of newly diagnosed children need to hear encouraging words. I sure wish I had.
When my daughter was first diagnosed at 13, 19 years ago, I thought it was the end of her hopes and dreams. My husband was out of the country on business. I felt I had nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. After all, who could understand? In the 1990s, bipolar disorder was even more secret and misunderstood than it is now. In fact, children were not even diagnosed with bipolar disorder until the 1980s.
When I called my mother about the diagnosis, her response to being told that her only granddaughter was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder was a dismissive “No, she doesn’t.”
That didn’t help.
Leading Up to the Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis
Classical singing, drawing, and creative writing were my daughter’s passions. She was constantly sketching from the time she could hold a crayon. And I could always hear her singing. Her singing was so heartfelt that, at her first recital, her performance of “If I Love You,” from Carousel, brought some audience members to tears. My daughter compared her singing to crying.
As she entered adolescence, we could see her moods growing dark. But it didn’t seem out of place for such an artistic soul. In looking back, something was clearly wrong. The explosive anger, and so much more.
Our daughter first started seeing a child therapist weekly, at age eleven. School office staff at the Middle School highly recommended a therapist. The therapist said she was fine, just suffering from anxiety. She saw him once a week for almost two years. His diagnosis never changed.
St. John’s Wort—A Strong Warning
A big believer in (and seller of) natural remedies, the therapist convinced my daughter she should take St. John’s Wort to feel better. She really wanted to try it. So, I agreed, not dreaming it could do any harm. Shortly after, she became so agitated that she could not attend school. Thankfully, her pediatrician pulled some strings to get her an appointment with a respected child psychiatrist in the area.
At that first appointment, the psychiatrist spent hours meeting with us separately and together. Her diagnosis was that my daughter had bipolar disorder, which could effectively be treated with medication. I told the psychiatrist I needed to think about the medication. After all, her therapist of two years had diagnosed her with anxiety.
I wouldn’t believe the psychiatrist was right.
The next morning, I phoned the therapist of two years to tell him about this ridiculous diagnosis. But to my disbelief, he stated he knew this would happen if she saw a psychiatrist. He had suspected she might have bipolar disorder but thought he could treat her himself! (Hold me back!)
I immediately called her new psychiatrist and repeated the conversation. The psychiatrist told me she saw my daughter rapid cycle right there in her office. And, that the St. John’s Wort had most likely caused the dangerous rapid cycling, as they know it does with patients diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She called several prescriptions into the pharmacy.
The Journey Begins
For days afterward, I spent hours on the computer, reading all I could find about the disorder. It was the early 2000s and information out there was scarce. What I found was not encouraging. My one ray of hope was finding a few successful celebrities who went public with their bipolar diagnosis. A tremendous thank you to Maurice Bernard and the late Carrie Fisher for shedding light on this treatable disorder, but then, little understood disorder.
This psychiatrist proved invaluable for both my daughter and me. Initially, she saw my daughter weekly and had me leave daily phone messages with updates on her condition. These daily phone calls continued for years as medications were started, readjusted, discarded, and newly prescribed. She answered all of my questions and urged me to read “The Bipolar Child: The Definitive and Reassuring Guide to Childhood’s Most Misunderstood Disorder, by Dimitri Papolos, M.D. and Janice Papolos.
Be An Advocate for Your Child
The first of many school meetings took place at our daughter’s Middle School. She was to be out of school for an undetermined number of weeks while medications were adjusted. (The St. John’s Wort had put her on a very difficult path.) Two of her teachers insisted she should transfer to remedial classes upon her return. But her English teacher was in tears, as she contradicted her colleagues and said that my daughter was an extremely bright girl who would go on to college. This teacher’s support meant everything to me and showed the importance of our daughter always having an advocate at school.
After that meeting, I knew that I would never let anyone define our daughter by her diagnosis.
Our daughter never returned to middle school; she was home-schooled for the next six months as medications were adjusted. We both enjoyed my daily reading to her of “A Tale of Two Cities” on the living room couch. We grew to love Sydney Carton, and his loyal heart. And we both struggled in our own ways with her disorder. My role was to offer support and do all I could to keep her moving forward while at home. I would not let my daughter fall into hopelessness. “When going through hell, keep going” became one of my favorite Winston Churchill quotes.
High School, College, And Beyond!
The next year in high school, they assigned my daughter a school counselor whose role was to provide support and coordination with teachers, and to offer a safe space, if needed. As it ended up, my daughter was more likely to find refuge in the classroom of her art teacher – a wonderful man who is truly dedicated to his students.
Some days, my daughter simply could not go to school.
In her senior year, my daughter applied to the desperately desired college of choice, a top New Jersey liberal arts university. Her grade advisor advised against it. But my daughter was determined, and was accepted, largely because of her personal interview, written essay, and the strength of her art portfolio.
My daughter lived on campus but took a medical leave of absence from college her first semester. Thankfully, by the second semester, she was ready to return, along with an adjusted medicine regimen. She worked hard, took summer courses, and graduated on time. She subsequently graduated from a prestigious medical school in Philly with a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology.
The Important Takeaway
Just because your child is diagnosed with bipolar disorder doesn’t mean that your child cannot succeed in school and in life. However, your child will need you as an advocate at school, as well as have your unwavering belief in their ability to succeed. Let no one define your child by his or her diagnosis. It can be a long road. But your child, too, will develop roots and wings and live a fulfilling and complete life.
(You can read more about this in Part Two of this post.)
